What's Important to You?

This one is going to be a short, recently one of my friends learned her beau of "some time" is going to Japan on business for a year or so, and upon return he’ll be even more stable financially, which will put him in a better position to provide the life she deserves. He loves her without any exceptions even to the point that he trusts her not to have any indiscretions while away. Now a year is not a long time, but it’s a long time when you’re away from a person you care about. She’s wondering why he trusts her, and simply put…he says she hasn’t given him any reason to think otherwise. Now this guy really wants and loves her and has expressed this to her in many ways, most recently by asking for her hand in marriage before he departs for his business trip.

My friend is at a stage in her life where she believes he may not be The One, but is a good substitute. He has her best interests at heart and will continue to love her, and take care of her every possible need. The problem is she’s not in love with him, she cares about him and doesn’t want to see him leave but as far as feelings of eternal love…it’s just not there. So she didn’t say yes…but hasn’t quite said no. She’s been laboring over this and talked to a girlfriend before sharing her dilemma with me, and her girlfriend told her nowadays people aren’t marrying for love, and hell, aren’t in love when united yet as the relationship progresses learn to love and eventually fall in love. The two entities join initially, with a common purpose in mind, most likely financial almost like an arranged marriage.

She asked me what I thought, and I asked her what’s important to her? In my business, I’m expected to make very important decisions and one thing my boss told me to think about is what is important to me, and what is the value in making the decision? So I presented these variables to her and asked her to think of the value or the benefit in getting married at her stage in the game. There are several variables to consider. So do you marry for love and risk financial stability, or do you marry for financial stability and try to include love later as life moves forward.

Is marriage as sacred as we would like it to be? Have we ruined this hallowed institution by the thought of making dinner plans and place settings picking out china patterns and making reservation for two at Sandals Jamaica? Are we more intrigued by the thought of being married then actually putting in the real work it takes to make it function? Do we go into the union with the feeling that we can easily take leave if it doesn’t work? I would like to marry for love and love only, not obligation, or the frivolous thought of making a would-be spouse happy. Settling should not be an option, if one isn’t in love in the beginning, chances are love won’t follow. So what do we do? What’s important to you?

Tainted Past; un do Future

Why do we tolerate B/S? Or why do we tolerate B/S from those we love? I wish to know if there is an unwritten mandate stating we must engage in or enslave ourselves to mindless garbage when we recognize what it is, yet choose to either look the other way or just take it in the face. Why? Why can’t we tell that person who is spewing this ornate bullshit there is no way I’m going to believe this simple-minded trash that you’re telling me? We wouldn’t take it from an ordinary “Joe,” so why accept it from a significant other. What makes him/her so different? Really, think about it, if they are feeding you asinine nonsense expecting you to believe it, knowing you’re aware that they are full of shit, then think of how little they think of you. Well I’ll tell you, about the same as that ordinary “Joe.” Maybe even less, because the significant other is supposed to know you better.

Explain to me why we don’t listen to our intelligent minds, but rather listen to the heart, as foolish it is? We as intellectuals already know it continuously speaks to us beyond reason, failing to outsmart the brain on every occasion. See the brain screams at our stupid asses to let go, it says, “You know he/she is full of shit right?” we say yes, but the heart empathizes and says, “Well, no, give him/her a chance, they are going through something.” No, no, no, wait here are some of the things I’ve said in the past, maybe she really did just leave her truck in front of his apartment and had her girlfriend pick her up to go out. Maybe those large red marks on her neck really are just perfect circular ant bites. Oh, why don't I believe you, but don’t I want to leave you.

Damn, I hate you for making me feel this way, I want to go but something keeps me here. Like nothing beats watching a movie rental with you at home, curled up on the couch in our PJs on a cozy winter Saturday. Even though your cell phone rings during the movie, which you don’t answer, but five minutes or so later you grab it and head to the bathroom. Why can’t I just leave you alone? Why must we accept the idiocies? Why can’t we rationalize with ourselves and say there is no way I will continue to enable you. I guess it’s some truth in the saying, when you’re ready to leave eventually you will. I myself went three years knowing that everything out of her mouth was an untruth; but it wasn’t her fault. I couldn’t see past what I wanted (her) all to me, even though she told me what it was from the onset, and to think I used to get mad at her for carrying out the things she told me she was going to do. Eventually, though, I would shift the anger to its rightful owner (me). In my defense she would show signs that it was about me, as well as tell me all those wonderful sweet nothings that any of us would love to hear. That was just the game, though.

I didn’t realize how much the roles we’re reversed until I heard Get Gone by R&B group Ideal. If you’ve ever heard that song you understand, and let me tell you it well summarized my life at that time. There’s a bar in there where the lead says, “Had me broke down and for what, changed so many times forgot who the real me was.” That was so completely true. I was a compassionate, understanding, and thoughtful man. I just wanted her and no one else. When we were out I wouldn’t want to look at another woman, what was better than what I had next to me. I opened doors, pulled out chairs, rubbed feet, washed her hair, cooked her breakfast, used my last dollar to make her happy. The thing I got in return was the opportunity to find pictures of her in posing comfortably in sexual positions in another man’s house. One would think that would be the last straw, well it was one of many in the jar of multiple straws. Nope, stupid me remained in the situation, largely due to a lame reason that now escapes me, which of course my heart and I decided to accept. I completely forgot about taking the photos and burning them…so she took them and most likely carried out her mission of delivering them to the intended party even though she promised she wouldn’t.

The relationship spawned a new man, one that would be less forgiving and construct The Great Wall of Joe Howell. And now I’m an empty shell wanting to plug the hole and fill up with true love. I’ve had intermittent relationships along the way even jumped the broom, but still have walked through life outside of a tempered glass house looking in, and trying to properly guide myself, only to watch me make one insane mistake after another. I’m looking to end this trend of insanity. The greatest mistake I’ve made is allowing one ill advised relationship alter the outlook I’ve had on the blessings set before me. My advice to anyone is to learn from any situation, let it smarten you, harden you even, but not ruin you. Remember it’s not the next one’s fault the last one was incapable of fulfilling a need, or filling a void, or loving you in the form you feel you deserved. Don’t punish your future for past shortcomings. I’d like to leave you with a little poem I wrote a couple years ago that would put everything in perspective.

I won’t give my heart to anyone else, You were my last dance
I’ve failed more than once, So I’m convinced there’s no one else
Maybe this game wasn’t meant for me to play
Maybe alone is how I’m supposed to stay
No more love inside - for the love that was given - wasn’t received – but taken for granted & played with till there’s nothing left inside me
So how am I supposed to feel - When I thought I knew you and gave you everything one could possibly give to
Please tell me why / was I him whom did you wrong in the past
Was I your outlet from a bad situation to a relation that you knew wouldn’t last
Tell me what was your meaning
What did we gain by the games you played
Was I that someone you needed to step on for payback to the ones whom did you wrong
Did you hurt them through me
Did you see me through them
Was I just your representative for all men
Well did they give you everything they could possibly give
Would they’ve taken the shirt off their back to keep you warm from the cold
Or done anything in this world to please you
My heart was yours…

The Life Side

Life has a way of introducing pain into our minuscule relationships as sort of a tester to ensure we're well equipped to handle that major relationship we're promised. We have this tendency to complicate simple situations for the need of definition, when all we need is a free flowing, whimsical, practice engagement. It has been my experience that, the more loose the relationship the easier it is to manage. Recognize that each relationship has it's purpose, and not all are meant to be meaningful, but all are meant to teach. I'll leave you with a poem I wrote about complicating life, enjoy.

I would like to just sit here and think of that which is nothing to think about.
Let my mind wander into that which is effortless, a place only described as space and time
where it is simple and mistakes can be mended, sound judgement is carried out
I don't want to think about the issues of today
I don't want to worry about tomorrow
I don't want to concern myself with that which does not merit concern

My mind remains consumed with the ill-advised decisions I cannot fix
I want to run, run and continue running far away and never stop until...
I am not satisfied with my life, maybe it is my spiritual abandonment that has me sick
I starve from true affection, not that which is fake in the sense of obsession
I yearn for authenticity and what is real to me
A companion that has the ability to comprehend the severity of life issues and the ability to cope with them

My thinking is clouded by physical pleasure, which has thrust me deep into an abysmal like state
It is infinite, will I ever make a good decision
Man I hate this, I hate it, I hate it for what it has made me become
I contemplate the alternatives and what would that be
The absence of them I believe
The implementation of the absence of me
Withdrawal
Eliminate
I am dead to it
I want freedom

What did I really do besides cause myself pain and that to others
It seems that is all I know
I hate it, I hate it...and now I must pay