Explain to me why we don’t listen to our intelligent minds, but rather listen to the heart, as foolish it is? We as intellectuals already know it continuously speaks to us beyond reason, failing to outsmart the brain on every occasion. See the brain screams at our stupid asses to let go, it says, “You know he/she is full of shit right?” we say yes, but the heart empathizes and says, “Well, no, give him/her a chance, they are going through something.” No, no, no, wait here are some of the things I’ve said in the past, maybe she really did just leave her truck in front of his apartment and had her girlfriend pick her up to go out. Maybe those large red marks on her neck really are just perfect circular ant bites. Oh, why don't I believe you, but don’t I want to leave you.
Damn, I hate you for making me feel this way, I want to go but something keeps me here. Like nothing beats watching a movie rental with you at home, curled up on the couch in our PJs on a cozy winter Saturday. Even though your cell phone rings during the movie, which you don’t answer, but five minutes or so later you grab it and head to the bathroom. Why can’t I just leave you alone? Why must we accept the idiocies? Why can’t we rationalize with ourselves and say there is no way I will continue to enable you. I guess it’s some truth in the saying, when you’re ready to leave eventually you will. I myself went three years knowing that everything out of her mouth was an untruth; but it wasn’t her fault. I couldn’t see past what I wanted (her) all to me, even though she told me what it was from the onset, and to think I used to get mad at her for carrying out the things she told me she was going to do. Eventually, though, I would shift the anger to its rightful owner (me). In my defense she would show signs that it was about me, as well as tell me all those wonderful sweet nothings that any of us would love to hear. That was just the game, though.
I didn’t realize how much the roles we’re reversed until I heard Get Gone by R&B group Ideal. If you’ve ever heard that song you understand, and let me tell you it well summarized my life at that time. There’s a bar in there where the lead says, “Had me broke down and for what, changed so many times forgot who the real me was.” That was so completely true. I was a compassionate, understanding, and thoughtful man. I just wanted her and no one else. When we were out I wouldn’t want to look at another woman, what was better than what I had next to me. I opened doors, pulled out chairs, rubbed feet, washed her hair, cooked her breakfast, used my last dollar to make her happy. The thing I got in return was the opportunity to find pictures of her in posing comfortably in sexual positions in another man’s house. One would think that would be the last straw, well it was one of many in the jar of multiple straws. Nope, stupid me remained in the situation, largely due to a lame reason that now escapes me, which of course my heart and I decided to accept. I completely forgot about taking the photos and burning them…so she took them and most likely carried out her mission of delivering them to the intended party even though she promised she wouldn’t.The relationship spawned a new man, one that would be less forgiving and construct The Great Wall of Joe Howell. And now I’m an empty shell wanting to plug the hole and fill up with true love. I’ve had intermittent relationships along the way even jumped the broom, but still have walked through life outside of a tempered glass house looking in, and trying to properly guide myself, only to watch me make one insane mistake after another. I’m looking to end this trend of insanity. The greatest mistake I’ve made is allowing one ill advised relationship alter the outlook I’ve had on the blessings set before me. My advice to anyone is to learn from any situation, let it smarten you, harden you even, but not ruin you. Remember it’s not the next one’s fault the last one was incapable of fulfilling a need, or filling a void, or loving you in the form you feel you deserved. Don’t punish your future for past shortcomings. I’d like to leave you with a little poem I wrote a couple years ago that would put everything in perspective.
I won’t give my heart to anyone else, You were my last dance
I’ve failed more than once, So I’m convinced there’s no one else
Maybe this game wasn’t meant for me to play
Maybe alone is how I’m supposed to stay
No more love inside - for the love that was given - wasn’t received – but taken for granted & played with till there’s nothing left inside me
So how am I supposed to feel - When I thought I knew you and gave you everything one could possibly give to
Please tell me why / was I him whom did you wrong in the past
Was I your outlet from a bad situation to a relation that you knew wouldn’t last
Tell me what was your meaning
What did we gain by the games you played
Was I that someone you needed to step on for payback to the ones whom did you wrong
Did you hurt them through me
Did you see me through them
Was I just your representative for all men
Well did they give you everything they could possibly give
Would they’ve taken the shirt off their back to keep you warm from the cold
Or done anything in this world to please you
My heart was yours…
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